Unpretty

Every once in a while I get crazy, like real crazy…like I’m not myself and always getting back to reality comes with a feeling of complete loss; like once again I wasn’t able to meet the criteria and thus I deserve to be discarded. 

It feels like an earthquake; truly catastrophic. 

Just imagine trying to gather all the pieces when all you’ve got is your bare hands and a pair of feet with no shoes. It’s not just a window; it’s the entire building I have to keep on reconstructing over and over and over again, watching it all go down…over and over and over again and every time, the little pieces seem more far off, remote in space. 

Sometimes I wish I could just remain under the rubbles… 

Think of it, picking up the pieces, one by one and putting it all back together again with improved expectations and a sense of renewed hope…once again it’s pretty; almost like a work of art you grow deeply attached to. You know you want it to be there forever but there’s always something lacking in its structure that keeps it from holding on. It’s times like these when I do get crazy, knowing I can shape the form but I just can’t change the ground it’s standing on, coming from the surviving seeds of unfertile dirt. 

I get crazy, doing things I wouldn’t normally do out of hopelessness. Doing things I wish would just remain inside for good. You know, these things…they feel like needless coming from the inside out, pulling through my skin in a desperate attempt at freedom.

You know? It feels like crazy... 

When I'm always fluctuating between beautiful and horrible.